Friday, August 12, 2005

> why do you despair?

actually i read the previous entry 2 hours ago, but i told myself to cool down first before posting any entry, or i might be too impulsive and wage war with people or sth like that... (: that's besides the point i want to make.

i hope to keep it short, but you know how long winded i can get? (: ok here i go... i understand kian's feelings, though i may not be there. i know it's hard to convince anyone i truly understand, but i guess i felt it before, just that i didn't say it. there are many things that are different now, more stress, more homework, less fun than before. maybe it's this, plus many other troublesome stuff which make people unhappy? im making an assumption here, and of course i know there are some who are always happy lar.. the point is, no one ever said life will not change, everything is so transient, have not we learnt about it?

from o level results, to separation of the old 71, to the 71 now, i can only say that things change, but the feelings are there. i don't think it's so much of the people, it's the situation that's different. people may seem colder, you may assume or think that no one cares about the class anymore. but hey, pause for a moment and think, if people don't care, would there be such strong reactions from so many people in class? shuli's post, the anonymous person who was so "noble" to repost kian and ritz messages to ask us to reflect, jiaming's entry... we care, and i trust the rest of the people do as well. it's just maybe they don't show it, but does that mean they don't care at all?

people are especially self-centred when they are upset. im not targetting anyone, in fact im a human being, so i fall under that category as well. don't you feel that, when you are sad, you tend to focus so much on yourself, and neglect other people's emotions? we tend to think we are the victims, and the whole world owes us sth which in fact, it may be the other way round. i have gone through this period, when i found no purpose in going to school, because i felt i was doing stupid stuff for a bunch of people who did not appreciate at all. i felt that people took me for granted, that i was just a fool giving everything, and receiving none. (take note of the past tense!!) but when i took a step back and looked, in fact im not the victim, everyone is equal. it's when i was sad, i neglected the care and concern people may shower me with, and sank deeper into it.

class outing, people don't turn up, so those who went felt disappointed. i understand that feeling, have not i felt before and many others too? shuli for example, who didn't take it to heart. is it just class outing that determines the class spirit? i have always wanted to say this, but i thought i shall not bother so much. but if i don't bring it up, i think im letting myself down. i want to question how much you love the class, if you say you do, and you feel sad at the state of the class now... please think... there are many other things, other than class outings that determine class spirit, many of which no one even bothers. events such as national day costume parade, racial harmony day fashion show, do you bother to even listen and help? if you say this is not the sole determinant of class spirit, then let me tell you, neither is class outing. my experience from a great class, we seldom go out, yet we miss each other like crazy when we left. why? im not drawing comparisons but rather talking about my expereince here. i presume it's because everyone made the effort to contribute in each and every way. at this point, i want to thank tiffany, for bothering to design the national day costume. sth she said really left a deep impression. she told me she is part of the class, so she will do sth for it. no one helped her, neither did i and yet she did not even utter a word of complain.

it's not so much of pushing the blame to anyone, or asking why the class has turned this way. firstly, everyone has a part to play, and i can say i failed as a ct rep because i did not bond the class, as i should have done. and maybe you can think, in what ways have you failed? you don't have to tell anyone, know it and change that. i will work to my fullest ability to do what im supposed to do as a ct rep, and hopefully i will not regret when i leave this class. secondly, asking why will not help the situation. things are different, but i believe people can change that too. so why despair, lose hope and tell everyone the class has changed, and say things like you don't want to have hopes? if you are afraid to face the risks of disappointments, then you will never know what is faith and trust.

i told shiru and shimin before, i wanted so much to leave this college and they ask me if it's this bad. it's not hc, not the class, it's just stress. but i thought about it again, and remembered the day when i had to report to ajc. the feeling was undescribable, i knew i didn't belong there and i felt so lost. and i can predict that at the end of next year, many of us will cry, and say we will miss each other etc etc despite all these things that happen. but why you may ask... because we care though we don't show it, say it. some things are not within our control, like our choice to go for class outing or not. who doesn't want to relax and spend time with the class, im assuming that you really love the class here. what i can say is, we care, and please, don't let a few setbacks take away that love for the class, and please, don't deny the class because of the poor turnout at class outings. because i do not wish to go to school, and face cold-hearted people everyday, and neither do many of you i presume. i do not wish to leave hc now, and i don't regret fighting to stay in this class though it's so different now. there is still love i know.

and maybe there are small gestures that you overlook, which can prove that the class is still bonded together. besides looking at the strong reaction at the class blog, please recall the times when we ganged up against *coughs* people who are mean to our class, and the smiles you get each day which can brighten one's day, at least my day. (:

if talks can turn one negative, then i hope an entry can bring hope to you people? im optimistic, because i choose to view the situation differently. personally i feel that when you are negative and upset, even the greatest thing that people do to you may seem like an evil act in your eyes? im exaggerating here, but ya, you get the idea... yes its true you might face disappointments, but for me, i will rather take that risk, then never to experience what it means by faith and trust.

and lastly, i know im very longwinded already... so im going to slap myself to sleep... ok i digress... yup lastly right, i want to say i turst those who lose hopes and are lost now, they will find that hope again and not give up on the class. hey im not playing psychology or pressurising anyone, but im letting nature take its course, and i believe one day, when you look back, things are not as bad as you thought they are. (:

you got to believe it (:

with lots of love,
kai-qian

p.s who is passerby? you sound very nice and i want to be your friend! ya that was random..

05S71 < 8:55 PM

___________________________________________


hwa chong junior college
05S71 [first three months]
::xin hui ::angie
::hui xuan ::jie long
::charlene ::jiayin
::huaming ::kai qian
::ker wei ::jia ming
::ronald :: roslyn
::xuanyi ::roxanne
::tiffany ::jun kai
::shu li ::michelle
::kian wei ::shi min
::pamela ::ritzley
::jia hui ::priscilla
::adeline ::hongli
::ex71 abandoned class blog
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05S71
class blog
::hui xuan ::jielong
::charlene ::jiayin
::shiru ::jocelin
::kai-qian ::ker wei
::se an ::ronald
::chen lu ::mingtse
::xuanyi ::jonathan
::tiffany ::shu li
::kian wei ::michelle
::gerald ::pamela
::nigel ::ritzley
::jia hui ::junyi
::adeline ::priscilla

::05S71 pix.
::loginname: 05S71

::saycheese



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